.:Get comfortable with your ugly.:.
I was just watching Conan O'Brien, and Tyrese Gibson was on talking about how he doesn't agree with cosmetic surgery. I usually hate it when great looking people say shit like that. Not that I agree with cosmetic surgery, but thats like a rich person saying money isn't everything.
Anyway, he then said that you need to "get comfortable with your ugly", and i thought it was rather funny.... and poignant.
Tyrese Gibson.
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Things have gotten so much more shitter, socially, for me in the past 6 months.
To begin, my best friend told me he loved me. I knew him from university, but I was also friends with his roommate's girlfriend from work. Over time I had become friends with all their friends and was part of the group.... There was always a certain chemistry between us, and I will admit to wondering if I should follow through and find out if our friendship would work out as a relationship. However, I have a boyfriend who I am in love with, and the timing just wasn't right. So I told him we could only be friends. He said he understood and that it wouldn't ruin our friendship.
A month later was my birthday. He said we should all go for dinner and then out afterwards. When I booked a place and invited them all, he said he couldn't afford to go and would go out for drink afterwards. My best friend? I was pissed off and told him so. The rest of them made excuses and didn't turn up. He didn't end up coming out afterwards either, and stopped talking to me altogether for a couple of weeks. My birthday was ruined and I felt totally dejected.
He eventually apologised and said it had gotten too much for him. He couldn't be my friend anymore. Since the rest of the group were closer to him I could no longer see any of them socially as I had before. 4 months on and I still hardly see any of them. I occasionally see the girl from work, but thats only about once a month. She had her birthday on Friday and I saw him and talked to him a bit, but he acted as though he didn't really know me, avoiding me, and I felt horrible. Part of me misses him terribly. Part of me hates him for hurting me so much and I don't think I can get over it. I can understand the situation he is in, but i have lost all my friends because of it.
My ex-boyfriend, who I was engaged to briefly, told me he is getting married. Marrying a girl doing her phD in anthropology. They were friends, but have gotten together becasue they want to settle down. They want to have kids right away. They haven't even lived together before. He hasn't discussed the reason why we broke up with her - due to him not having a sex drive - and still tells me he loves me?!?! I don't say it back. I was too hurt from the ending of our relationship. I tried everything to save it.... he didn't try at all... He didn't want to break up and tried to get back with me a few times over the years.
My closest family understood, but they all really liked him. He went out socially with my aunt and uncle who tried to find him a new girlfriend. He was dating someone within a couple of months. All his friends thought I was a bitch who broke up with him for no reason - I couldn't exactly tell them the truth - and no one seems to understand how much it hurt me, changed me. I was going to marry this guy! I tried for 4 years to find a solution...
One night my stepbrother-in-law made a joke about how I tricked him into coming to Australia and then dumped him like a heartless bitch. I was so insulted, angry and upset that I threw a wine glass at the wall and walked off. Things are now weird with him and my stepsister. I don't see them as much as I used to.
I see some of my old friends now. The group I used to hang out with are cool, but they are all into nerd-gaming and I'm not. It makes it difficult. They're all guys... I don't really see them regularly. I don't know what they think of me.... I see another friend on weekends, but he used to like me as more than a friend, and it makes it weird now and then. I need more friends who are girls....
My boyfriend is too young for me. 4 years younger, still partying around and not interested in "settling" down. Not that I necessaily am, but I'm getting to the age where I'd like to see it as a possibility with the person I am with. I know he loves me, but we really don't have much in common. Sometimes I mention that we should go our separate ways, but he doesn't want to. I am still in love with him, so neither do I. But really.... its time to shit or get off the pot.
I don't know whats happening. I have gone through these stages a few times in my life, where everything changes.... I feel like total shit, and if I wasn't taking dexies all the time for study I know I'd be totally depressed.
I'm not afraid of being alone.... but breakups are hard and I don't think I could handle it while I have no one to fall back on. I should just say fuck it, and start anew. FUCK - things suck. Everything is comlicated and I just want to leave the country. Escape to somewhere different where other things are more important... like the basics. I need to go help people in real need to take my mind off this social bullshit.
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